One of the most common issues people face is the need to be assertive, not aggressive. This is a very hard thing for some people, but especially for women who are often raised to see themselves as the “weaker” gender. Regardless of gender, though, you can learn to be assertive about your thoughts and feelings without becoming harsh or aggressive toward others.

What is Assertive Behavior?

You can easily find many different definitions of assertive behavior, but they all have one thing in common. They describe assertiveness as the ability to clearly communicate your own wants and needs while still being respectful of the needs of others.

This may sound simple, but it is true. Being assertive is nothing more than insisting politely but firmly that you are treated with respect, dignity, and courtesy. There is no room for whining, complaining, bullying or pouting when it comes to assertive behavior.

Some examples of assertive behavior include:

• Asking for help rather than pretending you are not confused
• Expressing dissatisfaction in a healthy manner
• Speaking up for yourself in groups of all sizes
• Making good eye contact with others while you are speaking
• Declining or saying “no” when appropriate

What is Aggressive Behavior?

Aggressive behavior, on the other hand, is characterized by demanding and often hostile behavior. Even words that just “slip out” or behind the scenes gossiping are considered to be aggressive since the intent of these behaviors is to be negative and/or undermine someone else.

In other words, when you do or say something that violates the rights of someone else, you are engaging in aggressive behavior.

Some examples of aggressive behavior include:

• Punishing others for transgressions, real or imagined
• Hostility toward others
• Demanding and pushy
• Complaining about conditions, other people, etc.
• Sarcasm
• Mean-spirited gossip

How to Become More Assertive

Your ability to be appropriately assertive is a prime driving force behind your life success, from business relationships to personal relationships and beyond. When you can express what you want and need to others in a way that is honest and firm, you are well on your way to becoming more assertive.

There are four main steps to becoming more assertive:

1) Get started - This may seem obvious, but you would be surprised just how many people procrastinate, avoid, or simply put off working on their assertiveness skills. Just as with any long term project or activity, though, getting started is an important first step in the process.

2) Learn new skills - Assertiveness skills are all about expressing yourself and standing up for yourself in all kinds of situation. These skills may appear as simply saying “I want” and “I need” or they may extend all the way to standing up for yourself strongly in the face of opposition or confrontation.

3) Communication is key - When you have good communication skills you also have good assertiveness skills. Being more assertive means using your words, expressions, and body language to communicate your messages to others. Make eye contact, stand up straight, and force yourself to match your words and your behaviors to each other.

4) Practice makes perfect – OK, you probably will never become “perfect” at being assertive, but with practice, practice, and more practice, you can make assertiveness an ingrained part of your personality and behavior. Start small and work your way up to more complex or difficult situations along the way.

Assertiveness Tips for Everyday Life

Learning to be assertive is hard work, especially if it is a very new behavior for you. Perhaps your old pattern was to bury your anger and let others put their expectations first. Or maybe you worry that being assertive will make other people angry or upset with you. Here are some tips for dealing with these and other parts of everyday life.

Enlist the support of others - Let a few close friends or relatives know that you are working on assertiveness and ask for support and feedback. In other words, ask for help and let others help you carry the load of learning a new and unfamiliar skill.

Keep a journal - There will inevitably be times when you look back at your day and think of something you wish you had (or hadn’t) said in a specific situation. Keep a journal every day, including your observations and “should have” moments so that you can be more likely to recognize them and change them in the future.

One step at a time - To use a very old cliché, you have to eat the elephant just one bite at a time. The sane holds true for assertiveness – start small with just one focus goal and then add on new goals as you become better and better at assertiveness skills.

Always remember that you are entitled to be assertive, not aggressive, in all aspects of your life. Set small achievable goals for yourself, and celebrate your successes along the way. As assertiveness becomes more and more of an ingrained habit, you will start to wonder how you could ever have behaved in any other way!